I'm not sure how to title this post so I'm just going to keep it simple. Life. Because thats what this post is about.
I'm making this post because I haven't posted here in a very long time. I just wanted to talk about why that is.
In my previous post on this topic I talk a lot about school, and how school is very stressful. I also talk about the stress of student loans. The truth is, this is more than school stress. I'm going to be honest here. This is honestly a growing despair that I've been dealing with.
I have quite a few mental health issues, and the stress of school and living off student loans and having to work very hard to keep my scholarship has drained me entirely. I have barely been reading for fun, and when I do read, it's on the bus, usually. The rest of the time I am doing school work, or trying to relax my brain after doing hours of school work and constantly stressing about everything from my health to my grades.
I don't want any of you thinking I'm too lazy to blog, or that I don't care about you. I think you're all so awesome. The reason I haven't been posting or leaving comments on your blogs lately is because every little thing feels so draining when every single day is characterized by varying degrees of stress about different things.
When I say despair, I mean it in the literal sense. Sometimes my mind spirals into a very dark place and I have to work hard to lift myself up again. Getting up in the morning has become a challenge. I'm serious when I say I'm worried about my sanity.
I'm not posting this for pity. I'm posting this for several reasons.
First off, so many of you comment and interact with me on my blog or twitter or whatever and it just makes me so happy when you do that. I feel like I have a kind of friendship with many of you, and I don't want any of you to think I don't care about you anymore, or that I am just abandoning blogging and interacting with you awesome people.
Second, I believe in open dialogue about mental health. I think that talking about our mental health struggles openly can help to diminish the stigma around these issues. I don't really have anything to lose by talking about it, so I guess I'll contribute to a culture that I hope will someday become a better place for the mentally ill. And the low income, as well.
Third, I am honestly just kind of tired of keeping on this mask that everything is ok and that I'm great. I tend to use exclamation marks a lot (at least in my perception) and I think I do that subconsciously because I want to come across as upbeat and fun despite the stress and pressure. I just want to take a second to put some context out there, to reveal a bit of who I am beyond reviews and fun tags and all that.
Again, I'm not looking for pity or anything. I just think that for those of you who like my blog, who like me, it's only fair that I'm honest and open about why I haven't been online much lately. I'm the kind of person who tends to power through things and persevere, so leaving my blog as I have has made me very uneasy.
I'll be back someday, I just can't guarantee when. For now, I'll mostly be here through the occasional tweet or instagram post.
Also please excuse any grammatical or spelling errors. It's one in the morning 😝